SKILLS • MODULE 7 OF 14
Communication and Connection
Building Emotional Intimacy
How do we build emotional intimacy?
Communication Is the Lifeblood of Love
In Phase 1 (Foundation), we explored the eternal vision of marriage—understanding that God Himself lives in eternal union, that we are His children with divine potential, and that marriage is the covenant path to exaltation. We learned the Doctrine of Christ as the pattern that develops our capacity for eternal relationships, and we examined the Christlike character that this pattern produces.
In Phase 2 (Preparation), we turned to practical readiness—understanding our own stories, attachment patterns, and family backgrounds; learning to discern character and distinguish revelation from infatuation; and surfacing expectations to build shared vision with a partner.
Now we enter Phase 3: Skills. Good intentions and sound doctrine matter—but so does knowing how to translate them into daily practice. Love, as a principle of action, requires skills that can be developed.
We begin with communication—the way couples share their inner worlds, navigate differences, and maintain connection over time.
Communication is to love what blood is to life.
This module introduces research-backed principles and practical skills for building emotional intimacy and friendship: understanding our partner’s inner world, responding to bids for connection, deepening conversations, and listening well.
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
— Proverbs 15:1
Pause and Reflect
- Think of a relationship (any relationship) where communication felt easy and natural. What made it work?
- Think of a relationship where communication felt difficult. What got in the way?
Knowing Our Partner’s Inner World Builds Connection
Dr. John Gottman’s research identified a concept he calls “Love Maps”—the detailed knowledge we have of our partner’s inner world. This includes their:
- Dreams and hopes
- Fears and worries
- Current stresses
- Sources of joy
- Preferences and pet peeves
- History and formative experiences
- What they’re thinking about right now
Research shows that couples who maintain detailed Love Maps weather life’s storms better. When we know what our spouse is facing—their anxieties at work, their hopes for the children, their private struggles—we can respond with understanding rather than confusion.
Love Maps require continuous updating. The person we married will grow and change. Their dreams may shift. Their stresses will evolve. Staying current with our spouse’s inner world is a lifelong investment.
A striking research finding: Friendship predicts sexual satisfaction more than technique. Couples who are genuinely interested in each other—who know each other’s worlds—report more satisfying sexual intimacy than couples focused only on physical aspects. Love Maps are the foundation of friendship.
Pause and Reflect
- How well do you know the inner world of someone close to you? What would you want to know better?
- What parts of your own inner world would you want a future spouse (or current spouse) to understand?
Turning Toward Bids Builds Love Daily
Throughout the day, partners make countless small “bids” for connection. A bid is any attempt to connect—a comment, a question, a touch, a sigh, a look. Examples of bids:- “Look at that sunset.”
- “How was your day?”
- A hand on your shoulder
- “I had a rough meeting.”
- Showing you something on their phone
- A sigh or groan
- Turn toward: Acknowledge the bid, engage, show interest
- Turn away: Ignore the bid, seem distracted, miss it entirely
- Turn against: Respond with hostility, criticism, or dismissal
| “Master” Couples | “Disaster” Couples |
|---|---|
| Turn toward bids 86% of the time | Turn toward bids only 33% of the time |
Pause and Reflect
- How well do you know the inner world of someone close to you? What would you want to know better?
- What parts of your own inner world would you want a future spouse (or current spouse) to understand?
Deep Communication Requires Moving Beyond Surface Talk
Not all communication is equally intimate. Theologian John Powell described five levels, ranging from safe surface conversation to deep emotional sharing:| Level | Type | Description |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Cliché | “How are you?” “Fine.” Safe, no real sharing. |
| 2 | Reporting Facts | Sharing what others said or did. Still safe. |
| 3 | Ideas & Judgments | Sharing your opinions. Some risk involved. |
| 4 | Feelings & Emotions | Sharing how you feel. Real vulnerability. |
| 5 | Deep Emotional Sharing | Complete openness. Deepest intimacy. |
Pause and Reflect
- At what level do most of your conversations with close friends or family operate?
- What makes it easy or difficult for you to share at levels 4-5?
Daily Rituals of Connection Sustain Strong Marriages
Strong marriages are sustained by daily rituals—predictable moments of connection woven into ordinary life. Research shows that these small rituals have cumulative power.
Consider three key moments each day:
1. The Parting
How do we say goodbye in the morning? A quick “See ya” while distracted, or an intentional moment of connection? Research suggests knowing at least one thing our spouse is doing that day before we part.
2. The Reunion
What happens when we come back together at the end of the day? The first few minutes set the tone. A stress-reducing conversation—where each person listens to the other’s day without trying to fix anything—can transform evenings.
3. The Check-in
Do we have moments throughout the day when we reach out—a text, a call, a thought? These micro-connections remind each other: “You’re on my mind. You matter to me.”
These rituals do not require hours. They require intention. Successful couples protect these moments even when life gets busy.
Understanding Must Come Before Advice
One of the most common communication mistakes is jumping to advice before understanding. Someone shares a struggle, and we immediately respond:
- “Have you tried…?”
- “You should just…”
- “The problem is that you…”
However well-intentioned, this response often feels dismissive. It communicates: “I don’t need to understand your experience—I just need to fix you.”
The scriptures offer a better pattern:
“He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”
— Proverbs 18:13
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
— James 1:19
The pattern: Listen first. Understand. Then offer input from a place of genuine comprehension.
Sometimes people do not want solutions—they want to feel heard, understood, validated. But sometimes they do want our perspective. The key is the order: when we truly understand someone first, any input we offer will be more relevant, more compassionate, and more welcome. Understanding doesn’t prevent us from sharing our thoughts—it makes our thoughts worth sharing.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Latter-day Saint Marriages Face Particular Communication Threats
Latter-day Saint marriages face two particular threats to healthy communication:
1. Neglect Through Overcommitment
Church callings, careers, community service, extended family—all good things—can crowd out couple connection. We can become so busy doing good that we neglect what is best. A bishop who never talks to his wife, parents who never have time alone together, a couple too exhausted for meaningful conversation.
Remember: our marriage is our most important stewardship. It is the laboratory for godhood. If church service weakens our marriage, something has gone wrong.
2. Shame-Based Communication
A culture of high standards can sometimes become a culture of shame—where we correct more than we connect, where we focus on failures more than progress, where vulnerability feels dangerous because it might be judged.
Christ’s approach is different. He met people where they were. He listened before He taught. He offered grace before correction. “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more” (John 8:11).
In marriage, curiosity and compassion should precede correction. Understanding should precede advice. Grace should accompany growth.
Pause and Reflect
- Are you more likely to offer advice or to seek understanding first? How might you grow in this area?
- Have you ever experienced “neglect through overcommitment” in your family or community? What could help?
The Doctrine of Christ Supports Healthy Communication
Healthy communication is not separate from the gospel—it is an expression of it. All five principles of the Doctrine of Christ support communication and connection:
- Faith: Trusting our spouse’s intentions even when words come out wrong. Trusting that honest communication will strengthen rather than damage our relationship. Faith enables vulnerability.
- Repentance: When communication goes wrong—and it will—repentance enables repair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t listen well. Can we try again?” The capacity to acknowledge our failures and try again is essential.
- Covenant: Commitment provides safety for vulnerable communication. When our spouse knows we are committed—that we will not leave when things get hard—they can risk sharing more deeply.
- The Holy Ghost: The Spirit cultivates soft hearts, sensitivity, and attunement. The same principles that help us receive revelation—listening, quieting the noise, being present—help us truly hear our spouse.
- Enduring: Good communication is not a destination—it is an ongoing practice. Some conversations are hard. Some require patience over years. Enduring means continuing to show up, to try, to improve.
And temple covenants remind us of the ultimate context. The law of consecration—giving all we have and are—includes giving our full attention, our genuine presence, our honest hearts in communication.
How We Say Something Matters More Than What We Say
Research has identified three components in any message we send:
| Component | Impact | What It Includes |
|---|---|---|
| Content (Words) | 7% | The actual words you use |
| Tone of Voice | 38% | Volume, pitch, speed, warmth |
| Nonverbal | 55% | Facial expression, posture, eye contact, gestures |
This means how we say something matters far more than what we say. “I love you” spoken with rolled eyes and an annoyed tone communicates something very different than the same words spoken with warmth and eye contact.
For clear communication, all three components must align. When our words, tone, and body language contradict each other, our listener will believe the nonverbal message—not the words.
Key Scriptures
- Proverbs 15:1 — “A soft answer turneth away wrath”
- James 1:19 — “Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath”
- Proverbs 18:13 — “He that answereth before he heareth, it is folly”
- Ephesians 4:15 — “Speaking the truth in love”
- Ephesians 4:29 — “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth”
Reflection Questions
Take time to ponder or write about the following:
- How well do you know the “Love Maps” of those closest to you? What would you want to know better?
- When someone close to you makes a “bid” for connection, what is your typical response—turn toward, turn away, or turn against?
- At what level (1-5) do most of your conversations with close friends or family operate? How might you deepen them?
- Are you more likely to offer advice quickly or to seek understanding first? How might you grow?
Discussion Questions
For conversations with a parent, leader, or trusted friend:
- For those who are married: What daily rituals of connection have been most important in your marriage? What would you recommend?
- How can busy Latter-day Saints protect couple communication from being crowded out by other good things?
- What helps you move from “fixing” mode to “understanding” mode when someone shares a struggle?
This Week’s Invitation
Choose one of the following invitations to focus on this week:
Love Maps Practice: Choose someone close to you and have a conversation specifically to update your “Love Map” of them. Ask about their current stresses, hopes, or what’s on their mind. Just listen.
Bid Awareness: For three days, pay attention to the “bids” people make for your connection. Notice when someone is reaching out. Practice turning toward—even briefly—every time.
Level 4-5 Conversation: Have one conversation this week where you intentionally share at level 4 or 5—sharing real feelings, not just facts or opinions. Notice what it takes to go deeper.
Curiosity Practice: When someone shares a problem this week, resist the urge to advise. Instead, ask questions. Seek to understand. Notice how it changes the conversation.
Daily Rituals: If you are in a relationship, establish or strengthen one daily ritual of connection—a better parting, reunion, or check-in. Be intentional for one week and notice the difference.
The Bottom Line
Communication is the lifeblood of marriage. Without it, even love withers. With it, connection deepens over decades.
Know your partner’s inner world—their dreams, fears, stresses, and joys. Turn toward their bids for connection; the difference between thriving and struggling couples is thousands of small moments. Practice deeper levels of sharing. Protect daily rituals of connection. Seek to understand before offering advice.
The same principles that help us connect with God—listening, being present, softening our hearts—help us connect with each other. The gospel is not separate from good communication. It is the foundation for it.
“Great marriages are built in moments, not monuments. Every conversation, every bid, every choice to truly listen is an investment in forever.”