PREPARATION • MODULE 6 OF 14
Shared Vision and Expectations
Aligning Dreams Before Making Covenants
Are we aligned on what we’re building together?
Two People Must Be Walking in the Same Direction
The prophet Amos asked a simple but profound question:
“Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”
— Amos 3:3
This question sits at the heart of marriage preparation. Two people can be individually wonderful and still struggle together if they are heading in different directions or holding different expectations about the journey.
In Module 5, we discussed how to evaluate character and discern wisely. Now we turn to a different question: Even if someone has good character, are we aligned? Do we share a vision for the future? Are our expectations compatible?
Unspoken expectations can easily become unmet expectations, which can become resentments.
The good news is that intentional discussion of vision and goals can help prevent this. Research shows that couples who regularly discuss their dreams and goals together report higher satisfaction in their marriages—yet surprisingly few couples actually do this. This module is about surfacing what often remains hidden—the assumptions, hopes, and expectations we carry into marriage—so they can be discussed openly while there is still time to address them.
Pause and Reflect
- Have you ever experienced a conflict that arose from unspoken expectations—yours or someone else’s?
- What does it mean to you for two people to “walk together” in marriage?
The Expectations Exercise Surfaces Hidden Assumptions
One powerful tool for surfacing expectations is the Expectations Exercise. This works best for couples who are seriously dating or engaged, but singles can also benefit by clarifying their own expectations before entering a relationship.
Here’s how it works:
- Write your expectations. Each person privately writes 15-20 specific expectations they have for their spouse in marriage. Be concrete: not “be loving” but “say ‘I love you’ every day” or “prioritize family dinner together.”
- Exchange lists. Give your list to your partner.
- Rate each expectation. For each item on your partner’s list, mark it: A (Agree—”I can do this willingly”), D (Discuss—”This needs more conversation”), or C (Concern—”I have significant concerns about this”).
- Discuss together. Return the rated lists and talk through what you discovered. Focus especially on the “Discuss” and “Concern” items.
Key questions to explore:
- What surprised you about your partner’s expectations?
- Where are you naturally aligned?
- For “Discuss” items: What makes this feel uncertain? What would help you understand each other better?
- For “Concern” items: What is the concern? Is there a deeper need that could be met another way?
This exercise is not meant to create conflict—it is meant to prevent it. Discovering misalignment before marriage gives us the opportunity to address it honestly.
Pause and Reflect
- If you were to write your list right now, what expectations would definitely be on it?
- How comfortable are you with expressing expectations openly? What makes that easy or difficult?
Thriving Marriages Build Shared Meaning Together
Beyond individual expectations, thriving marriages develop what researchers call “shared meaning systems”—a sense of shared purpose, shared rituals, and shared dreams for the future.
Dr. John Gottman’s research found that couples with strong shared meaning systems have significantly higher long-term satisfaction—more than couples who simply share hobbies or personality traits. It is not about liking the same movies; it is about building a life that feels meaningful to both of you.
Shared meaning includes:
- Shared rituals: How you connect daily, weekly, yearly. Morning routines, date nights, holiday traditions, ways of saying goodbye and hello.
- Shared roles: How you divide responsibilities, make decisions, and support each other’s growth. Who does what, and why.
- Shared goals: What you are building together. Where you want to be in five years, ten years, and beyond.
- Shared symbols: The stories, objects, and experiences that have special meaning to your relationship. “Remember when we…” moments that become part of your identity as a couple.
For Latter-day Saints, shared meaning also includes shared faith. How will you worship together? Pray together? Study the scriptures? Fulfill callings? Raise children in the gospel? These dimensions of life deserve explicit conversation.
A Shared Vision Guides Our Future Together
One of the most important conversations we can have is about our vision for the future. This goes beyond “Where do you want to live?” to deeper questions:
- What does a successful life look like to you?
- What kind of family are you trying to build?
- What values do you want your home to reflect?
- What role will faith play in your daily life together?
- What would you regret not doing or becoming?
- Where do you see yourselves in ten years? Twenty years?
Two people can have very different visions and not realize it until they are years into marriage. Taking time to articulate and compare visions now can prevent significant pain later.
Pause and Reflect
- If you were to describe your vision for your future family in a few sentences, what would you say?
- What rituals or traditions do you hope to have in your future home?
Some Conversations Must Happen Before Marriage
Some topics are important enough that they deserve explicit discussion before marriage. These are areas where assumptions can cause significant problems if left unexplored:| Topic | Questions to Explore |
|---|---|
| Children | Do we want children? How many? When? What is our approach to parenting? How would we handle fertility challenges? |
| Faith | How important is faith in our daily lives? How will we practice it together? What if one of us struggles spiritually? |
| Career | What are our career goals? How do we balance work and family? Are we open to moving for opportunities? |
| Extended Family | How often will we visit each family? Where will we spend holidays? What boundaries do we need with parents or in-laws? |
| Finances | How do we feel about debt? What are our savings goals? How will we handle budgeting and spending decisions? What role does tithing play? |
| Roles | Who handles which responsibilities? How are decisions made? What does “equal partnership” look like to each of us? |
Pause and Reflect
- Which of these topics would be easiest for you to discuss? Which would be most difficult?
- Are there any topics not on this list that you know are important to you?
We Must Know Our Non-Negotiables
Within all these expectations and preferences, some things are negotiable and some are non-negotiable. Knowing the difference matters.
Negotiable items are preferences that matter to us but where we could find middle ground. Maybe we want to live near family, but we could be happy elsewhere if other factors aligned.
Non-negotiable items are core values or requirements where compromise would mean violating something fundamental about who we are or what we believe. These are lines we should not cross.
Examples of potential non-negotiables:
- Temple marriage and active Church membership
- Having children (or not having children)
- Fidelity and honesty
- Freedom from abuse or addiction
- Mutual respect and kindness
Our non-negotiables are ours. They should reflect our deepest values and our understanding of what God asks of us. The key is to know them clearly and communicate them honestly.
When two people’s non-negotiables are fundamentally incompatible, that is important information. It is far better to discover this before marriage than after.
Pause and Reflect
- What are your non-negotiables? What would you not be willing to compromise on?
- How would you communicate a non-negotiable to someone you were dating?
The Doctrine of Christ Helps Us Build Shared Vision
Building a shared vision draws on all the principles of the Doctrine of Christ:
- Faith: Trusting that we can build something beautiful together. Having faith that honest conversation will strengthen rather than weaken our relationship. Trusting God’s guidance as we discern our shared direction.
- Repentance: Willingness to examine our own expectations—are they reasonable? Are they rooted in healthy values or in patterns we absorbed without questioning? Repentance also means being willing to adjust when we discover misalignment.
- Covenant: Marriage is a covenant, and shared vision is the substance of what we are covenanting to. We are not just promising to stay together—we are promising to build a life together. Clarity about what we are building matters.
- The Holy Ghost: The Spirit can confirm when we are aligned on the right path. He can also prompt us when something needs more conversation, or when a concern deserves attention.
- Enduring: Shared vision is not a one-time conversation—it is an ongoing dialogue that continues throughout marriage. Enduring means revisiting our vision regularly and adjusting together as life unfolds.
And temple covenants remind us that marriage is not just about this life. The law of consecration—giving 100% to God’s purposes—applies to marriage. We are building not just a mortal partnership but an eternal one.
The Three Conversations Build Our Foundation
In Module 5, we introduced the Three Conversations as a way to get to know someone. They are equally valuable for exploring alignment:
1. History: Where have you been?
Understanding each other’s past—family background, past relationships, significant experiences, struggles, and growth. This helps us understand what shaped each of us.
2. Values: What matters most to you?
Exploring core values—faith, family, integrity, priorities. Are our values aligned on what matters most? Where might we differ?
3. Vision: Where are you going?
Discussing dreams and direction—career, children, lifestyle, location, how we see the next ten or twenty years. Are we heading in the same direction?
These conversations build the foundation for shared meaning. They help us move from two individuals with separate stories to two people building a shared story.
Key Scriptures
- Amos 3:3 — “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”
- 2 Corinthians 6:14 — The principle of being “equally yoked”
- Genesis 2:24 — “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”
- Doctrine and Covenants 132:19 — The promise of eternal marriage through covenant
Reflection Questions
Take time to ponder or write about the following:
- What expectations do you carry about marriage that you may have never articulated out loud?
- What is your vision for your future family? Where do you want to be in ten years?
- What are your non-negotiables? What are you flexible about?
- What rituals or traditions do you hope to create in your future home?
- Which of the “Conversations That Matter” topics would be most important for you to discuss with a future spouse?
Discussion Questions
For conversations with a parent, leader, or trusted friend:
- For those who are married: What expectations did you carry into marriage that you had never discussed? What did you learn?
- How can couples navigate differences in expectations or vision without one person simply giving in?
- What shared meaning systems—rituals, roles, goals, symbols—have been most important in marriages you admire?
This Week’s Invitation
Choose one of the following invitations to focus on this week:
Expectations List: Write your own list of 15-20 expectations for marriage. Be specific and concrete. Even if you are not currently in a relationship, this exercise clarifies your own assumptions.
Vision Statement: Write a one-page vision for your future family. What does it look like? What values define it? What traditions will you keep? What kind of home are you building?
Non-Negotiables Clarity: Write down your non-negotiables—the things you could not compromise on in a marriage. For each, write why it matters so deeply to you.
Family Comparison: If you are in a relationship, compare notes on your families of origin. How did each family handle the topics in “Conversations That Matter”? Where might you need to create your own approach?
Conversation Practice: If you are dating or engaged, choose one topic from “Conversations That Matter” and have an intentional discussion about it this week. Listen as much as you share.
We get to decide what patterns we continue. We get to decide what we want to change. We get to decide what kind of partner we will become.
That is the gift of agency—and it is a reason for hope.
The Bottom Line
Marriage is a covenant—a binding together of two lives into one shared journey. For that journey to thrive, we need to be walking in the same direction.
Surfacing expectations, building shared meaning, and discussing the things that matter most are not unromantic tasks—they are acts of love. They say, “I care enough about our future to make sure we are building it together.”
Take the time to discover where you align and where you differ. Have the conversations that matter. Clarify your non-negotiables. Articulate your vision.
Two people who know where they are going—together—can weather any storm along the way.
Our family story has given us gifts worth keeping and patterns we may choose to change. Our attachment style brings strengths even as it suggests areas for growth. Our experiences are reminders that we are human—and that healing is possible.
Most importantly: our past does not determine our future. Through the grace of Jesus Christ, through loving relationships, and through our own choices, we can grow into the people we are meant to become.
We have a story worth knowing—and a future worth building.
And that training has already begun.
“A shared vision is the blueprint for a shared life. Have the conversations that matter. Know your non-negotiables. Discover where you align—and where you differ. Two people building from the same plan, toward the same God, can build something eternal.”