SKILLS • MODULE 8 OF 14

Navigating Conflict

Turning Disagreements into Deeper Understanding

How do we handle disagreements constructively?

Conflict Is Inevitable—How We Handle It Matters

In Module 7, we explored communication—the lifeblood of connection. But even couples who communicate well will face conflict. Two people with different backgrounds, preferences, and personalities will inevitably disagree.

The question is not whether we will have conflict. The question is how we will handle it.

Research by Dr. John Gottman found that he could predict divorce with over 90% accuracy—not by whether couples fought, but by how they fought. Some conflict patterns corrode relationships. Others, handled well, actually strengthen them.

This module equips us with research-proven skills for navigating disagreements constructively—and addresses a uniquely Latter-day Saint challenge along the way.

Pause and Reflect

How was conflict handled in your family growing up? What patterns did you observe?
How do you typically respond when you disagree with someone you care about?

Contention and Conflict Are Not the Same Thing

Latter-day Saints are taught from childhood:

“He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger one with another.”
— 3 Nephi 11:29

This scripture is true and important. But it is sometimes misapplied in ways that harm marriages.

The misapplication: “Contention is of the devil, therefore all conflict is wrong, therefore I should avoid disagreement, therefore I should stay silent when something bothers me.”

The result: Hard conversations are postponed. Concerns go unvoiced. Resentment accumulates without repair. And eventually, the marriage suffers—not from too much conflict, but from too little honest dialogue.

Contention is not the same as conflict.

Contention is the spirit of quarreling—seeking to wound, to win at all costs, to destroy. It is fueled by anger, pride, and the desire to dominate.

Conflict is honest disagreement—two people with different perspectives working through their differences. It can be conducted with love, respect, and a genuine desire to understand.

Even Christ engaged in conflict. He confronted the Pharisees. He cleansed the temple. He corrected His disciples. But He did so without the spirit of contention—without seeking to destroy, but rather to redeem.

The opposite of contention is not silence. It is unity built through honest dialogue.

Pause and Reflect

Have you ever avoided a difficult conversation to “keep the peace”? What happened?
What is the difference between contention and constructive conflict in your own experience?

Four Patterns Destroy Relationships During Conflict

Gottman’s research identified four communication patterns that, when present during conflict, predict relationship failure with alarming accuracy. He calls them “The Four Horsemen of Divorce”:

Horseman	What It Looks Like	The Antidote
Criticism	Attacking character, not behavior. “You always…” “You never…” “What’s wrong with you?”	Gentle startup. Complain without blame: “I feel… about… I need…”
Contempt	Disgust, superiority, mockery, eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling. Communicates: “I’m better than you.”	Build culture of appreciation. Express fondness and admiration regularly.
Defensiveness	Counter-attacking, making excuses, playing victim. “It’s not my fault.” “You’re the one who…”	Take responsibility for even part of the problem. “You’re right that I…”
Stonewalling	Shutting down, withdrawing, refusing to engage. The silent treatment. Checking out.	Self-soothe. Take a break (at least 20 min). Return to the conversation when calm.

Of these four, contempt is the most destructive—the single strongest predictor of divorce. Contempt communicates disgust and moral superiority. It attacks your partner’s sense of self.
The antidote to contempt is not simply avoiding it—it is actively building a culture of fondness and admiration. Couples who regularly express appreciation, gratitude, and respect create an emotional climate where contempt cannot take root.

Pause and Reflect

Which of the Four Horsemen have you seen in relationships (your own or others’)?
Which antidote do you most need to develop?

How a Conversation Starts Determines How It Ends

Research reveals a striking finding: 96% of the time, a conversation ends the way it begins.

If we start harshly—with criticism, accusation, or an aggressive tone—the conversation will almost certainly end badly, no matter what we say later. But if we start gently—expressing our feelings and needs without attack—we dramatically increase the odds of a productive outcome.

Compare these two startups:

Harsh: “You never help around the house. I’m sick of doing everything while you sit there.”
Gentle: “I’m feeling overwhelmed with all the housework lately. Could we talk about how to divide things up?”

Same concern. Very different approach. The gentle startup describes our feelings, addresses a specific situation, expresses a need, and avoids character attacks.

The scriptures offer the same wisdom:

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
— Proverbs 15:1

“Flooding” Makes Constructive Conflict Impossible

During intense conflict, something physiological happens: our heart rate increases, stress hormones flood our system, and our body prepares for “fight or flight.” Gottman calls this flooding.

When flooded (heart rate above approximately 100 beats per minute), our ability to think clearly, listen well, and respond constructively is severely compromised. We literally cannot access our best selves.

The solution is to take a break—but to do it right:

Recognize when you’re flooded. Learn your body’s signals.
Ask for a break with a commitment to return. “I need 30 minutes. I’ll come back, I promise.”
Actually calm down. Do something soothing—a walk, deep breathing, prayer. Don’t spend the break rehearsing your arguments.
Return and re-engage. Honor your commitment to continue the conversation.

Research suggests a minimum of 20 minutes is needed for the body to return to baseline. Taking breaks is not weakness—it is wisdom.

Most Marital Conflicts Are Perpetual—And That’s Okay

One of Gottman’s most surprising and liberating findings: 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual.

These are problems that never fully resolve because they stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or preferences. One spouse is a spender, the other a saver. One needs more social time, the other more solitude. One is punctual, the other is perpetually late.

The unsuccessful approach: trying to “solve” these conflicts once and for all, becoming frustrated when they resurface, and eventually concluding that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

The successful approach: accepting that some differences are permanent, and learning to dialogue about them with grace rather than trying to eliminate them. We can discuss the issue, find compromises, make adjustments—but we stop expecting it to disappear.

This is not resignation. It is wisdom. Some tensions are the natural result of two different people building a life together. The goal is not a conflict-free marriage—it is a marriage where conflicts are handled with love.

Dreams Often Hide Behind Gridlocked Conflicts

When conflicts become gridlocked—the same argument happening over and over without progress—there is often something deeper beneath the surface.

Gottman found that behind every gridlocked conflict is an unfulfilled dream or a deep personal value. The argument about money may really be about security, freedom, or values learned in childhood. The argument about in-laws may be about loyalty, belonging, or feeling prioritized.

When we understand the dream behind our partner’s position, empathy becomes possible. And when both partners feel truly understood, positions often become more flexible.

The question to ask: “What does this issue mean to you? What deeper hopes or values are connected to it?”

Pause and Reflect

Can you think of a perpetual conflict in a relationship you’ve observed? How was it handled?
What “dreams” or deeper values might be behind conflicts you’ve experienced?

The 5:1 Ratio Protects Relationships During Conflict

Even during conflict, successful couples maintain a ratio of approximately five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.

This doesn’t mean avoiding the negative. It means balancing it. Even in the midst of disagreement, successful couples:

Show interest in what the other is saying
Express affection, even briefly
Demonstrate they care about the other’s feelings
Use humor appropriately
Acknowledge the other’s point before disagreeing
Say “yes” and “I agree” where they honestly can

In daily life outside of conflict, the ratio is even higher—closer to 20:1. But even when we’re upset, even when we disagree, maintaining some baseline of warmth and respect protects the relationship.

The Doctrine of Christ Enables Healthy Conflict

Navigating conflict draws on all the principles of the Doctrine of Christ—not just one:

Faith: Trusting that our relationship can survive honest disagreement. Trusting our spouse’s good intentions even when their words come out wrong. Faith enables the vulnerability that conflict requires.
Repentance: The capacity to acknowledge wrong, apologize sincerely, and try again. Repentance is the engine of repair. Without it, conflicts leave permanent wounds. “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” These words heal.
Covenant: The security of knowing this relationship is committed gives us the safety to address hard things. We’re not going to leave over this disagreement. That security makes honest conflict possible.
The Holy Ghost: The Spirit can soften hearts, prompt us to apologize, help us see our spouse’s perspective, and whisper when we need to stop talking and start listening. Inviting the Spirit into conflict changes everything.
Enduring: Some conflicts take time. Perpetual issues require ongoing dialogue across years. Enduring means staying in the conversation, coming back after breaks, and not giving up when resolution takes longer than we hoped.

The scriptures call us to reconciliation:

“If thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.”
— Matthew 5:23-24

God prioritizes relationship repair. So should we.

Key Scriptures

3 Nephi 11:29 — Contention (not conflict) is of the devil
Proverbs 15:1 — A soft answer turns away wrath
Matthew 5:23-24 — Be reconciled before offering gifts
Matthew 18:15 — Go directly to your brother
D&C 64:10 — “Of you it is required to forgive all men”
Ephesians 4:26 — “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath”

Reflection Questions

Take time to ponder or write about the following:

How was conflict handled in your family growing up? What patterns might you carry into your own relationships?
Which of the Four Horsemen is your biggest temptation during conflict? What would help you use the antidote instead?
How do you know when you are “flooded”? What helps you calm down?
What does it mean to you that 69% of conflicts are perpetual? How might this change how you approach disagreements?

Discussion Questions

For conversations with a parent, leader, or trusted friend:

For those who are married: What conflict skills have you found most valuable? What do you wish you had known earlier?
How do you understand the difference between “contention” and healthy conflict?
What repair attempts have worked well in your relationships? How do you reconnect after a disagreement?

This Week’s Invitation

Choose one of the following invitations to focus on this week:

Horseman Awareness: For one week, notice when the Four Horsemen appear in your conversations (or in media you watch). Practice identifying them and thinking about their antidotes.

Gentle Startup Practice: The next time you have a concern to raise, deliberately use a gentle startup: “I feel… about… I need…” Notice how it affects the conversation.

Repair Attempt: If a conflict arises this week, try making a deliberate repair attempt—an apology, humor, touch, or acknowledgment. Notice whether it’s accepted.

Flooding Awareness: Pay attention to your body during tense moments. Notice signs of flooding. Practice asking for a break before you become unable to communicate well.

Appreciation Deposits: Since the antidote to contempt is a culture of appreciation, express genuine gratitude or admiration to someone close to you every day this week.

The Bottom Line

Conflict is inevitable. Two different people, sharing a life, will disagree. The question is not whether but how.

Contention destroys. But conflict handled with love—with gentle startups, repair attempts, and the 5:1 ratio—can actually strengthen our relationship. Working through hard things together builds trust and intimacy.

Learn to recognize the Four Horsemen and use their antidotes. Take breaks when flooded. Accept that some differences are perpetual—and dialogue about them with grace. Make and accept repair attempts.

And remember: the same principles that bring us back to God—faith, repentance, covenant, the Spirit, enduring—also help us repair and restore our relationships with each other. The gospel is not separate from healthy conflict. It provides the very foundation for it.

“Conflict is not the enemy—contempt is. Two people committed to each other, working constructively, and partnering with God can navigate even the hardest challenges. The opposite of contention is not silence—it is unity built through honest dialogue.”