PREPARATION • MODULE 5 OF 14
Discernment
Evaluating and Choosing Wisely
How do we evaluate wisely?
Wise Discernment Looks Beyond the Spark
In Module 4, we explored self-awareness—understanding our own stories so we can share ourselves with another person. Now we turn outward: How do we evaluate whether someone might be a good partner for us?
Our culture often emphasizes “the spark”—that immediate feeling of attraction and chemistry. And attraction matters; it is a gift from God. But attraction alone is not enough to build an eternal partnership.
Wise discernment looks beyond the spark to the substance beneath.
This module offers tools for seeing clearly: signs of good character to look for, patterns to be cautious about, frameworks for observation, and guidance on distinguishing spiritual confirmation from other feelings.
“Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right.”
— Doctrine and Covenants 9:7–8
God invites us to both study and pray, both observe and ask. Discernment is a partnership between our efforts and His guidance.
Pause and Reflect
- What does “discernment” mean to you? How is it different from judgment?
- Have you ever experienced a time when initial attraction did or did not match the person’s character over time?
Good Character Reveals Itself Over Time
What should we look for in a potential partner? Module 3 taught that character matters more than compatibility. Here are specific character qualities that research shows predict relationship success—and that the gospel teaches us to value:
- Emotional regulation: They can manage anger, disappointment, and anxiety without destructive behavior. They do not rage, punish with silence, or fall apart when things go wrong.
- Responsibility-taking: They own their mistakes rather than blaming others. When something goes wrong, they ask “What was my part?” rather than only pointing fingers.
- Empathy: They care about your feelings. When you are hurt, they seek to understand rather than dismiss. They can see things from your perspective.
- Humility: They can be wrong, can learn, can apologize sincerely. They are teachable rather than defensive.
- Consistency: Their words match their actions over time. They are the same person in public and private, with you and with others.
- Kindness to everyone: They treat waiters, clerks, and strangers with the same respect they show you. Selective kindness is a warning sign.
- Shared core values: You align on what matters most—faith, family, integrity—not just hobbies and interests.
- Similar life vision: You are heading in the same direction. Your dreams for the future are compatible.
- Healthy relationships: They have (or are working toward) good relationships with family. They maintain long-term friendships.
- Capacity for joy: They can be lighthearted. They laugh. They know how to enjoy life, not just endure it.
These qualities take time to observe. They cannot be fully assessed on a first date or even in the first few months. This is why time matters—which we will discuss later in this module.
Pause and Reflect
- Which of these character qualities matter most to you? Why?
- How might you observe these qualities in someone you are getting to know?
Some Patterns Deserve Careful Attention
Just as there are signs of good character, there are patterns that deserve careful attention. Noticing these patterns is not about judging someone harshly—it is about protecting ourselves and making wise decisions.
Some patterns are serious enough that they should give us significant pause. If we observe these, it is worth slowing down, seeking counsel, and being honest about what we are seeing:
- Explosive anger: Rage that seems disproportionate to the situation, even if not directed at you yet.
- Dishonesty: Lying about small things often leads to lying about big things. Trust is foundational.
- Controlling behavior: Trying to dictate who you see, what you wear, or checking your phone. Healthy love respects freedom.
- Isolating you from others: Discouraging relationships with friends or family. Healthy partners encourage your other connections.
- Refusing responsibility: Everything is always someone else’s fault. They see themselves as perpetual victims.
- Addiction without active recovery: Struggles with substances, pornography, or other addictions require honest acknowledgment and active recovery—not denial or minimization.
- Pressure on your boundaries: Someone who respects you will respect the boundaries you set, including physical boundaries.
- Dismissing your feelings: When you share that something hurt you, they minimize, mock, or turn it back on you.
- Moving extremely fast: Intense pursuit, declarations of love very early, pressure to commit quickly. Healthy relationships develop at a pace that allows real knowledge of each other.
Noticing Concerns Is Faithful Stewardship
Noticing concerning patterns does not mean someone is a bad person. People can struggle and still be children of God worthy of love. But marriage is a specific kind of commitment, and not everyone is ready for it at every stage of their life.
If we see patterns that concern us, consider:
- Is this person aware of the pattern and actively working on it?
- Are there people in their life who can speak to their growth?
- What do trusted friends, family, or leaders observe?
- Am I making excuses for behavior that concerns me?
It is better to notice these patterns now than to discover them after marriage. Wisdom is a gift from God, and using it is not uncharitable—it is faithful stewardship of our future.
Pause and Reflect
- Why do you think it can be hard to acknowledge concerning patterns in someone we are attracted to?
- Who are the trusted people in your life whose observations you would take seriously?
The Four F’s Reveal Who Someone Really Is
One helpful way to observe character over time is the “Four F’s” framework. These four areas reveal a great deal about who someone really is:
| Area | What to Observe |
|---|---|
| Family | How do they relate to parents and siblings? What patterns might they bring from their family of origin? Have they done the work to understand their own family story? |
| Friends | Do they have healthy, long-term friendships? Can they maintain close relationships over time? What do their friends say about them? |
| Finances | How do they handle money? Are they responsible or reckless? Generous or stingy? Is there problematic debt or financial dishonesty? |
| Faith | Is their faith genuine and growing, or primarily for show? Do they live their values when no one is watching? Is their relationship with God their own, or inherited? |
These areas take time to observe. We cannot assess someone’s family relationships on a first date. We learn about finances through conversations and observation over months. Faith reveals itself in daily choices, not just Sunday attendance. This is one reason why time matters so much in discernment.
Pause and Reflect
- How do a person’s choices regarding each of the Four F’s reveal important information about their character?
- How might you naturally learn about these areas as you get to know someone?
Time Is Our Friend in Discernment
In the early stages of attraction, our brains are flooded with chemicals that promote bonding—dopamine, oxytocin, and others. These feelings are real and God-given, but they can also cloud judgment.
Research suggests that it takes approximately 12–18 months to see someone clearly—through different seasons, different circumstances, different moods. The “best foot forward” presentation of early dating gives way to more authentic behavior.
This is not about dragging things out unnecessarily. It is about giving ourselves enough time to see patterns, not just moments.
Time reveals how someone handles stress, disappointment, conflict, and change. A relationship that is right will only become clearer with time. One that is wrong will reveal itself if we are willing to see.
Time is not the enemy of love—it is the friend of wisdom.
Revelation and Infatuation Feel Different
One of the most important discernment skills is distinguishing between spiritual confirmation and emotional infatuation. Both can feel powerful. Both can feel certain. But they are not the same thing.
The scriptures teach us about how revelation comes:
“Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.”
— Doctrine and Covenants 8:2
| Infatuation Often Feels Like | Revelation Often Feels Like |
|---|---|
| Intense, overwhelming, urgent | Calm, clear, peaceful |
| Focused on physical attraction | Focused on character and values |
| “I need to decide NOW” | “I can take time to be sure” |
| Ignores or minimizes concerns | Honestly addresses concerns |
| Fluctuates based on mood | Remains steady over time |
| Fades when distance is introduced | Endures through distance and time |
“For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ.”
— Moroni 7:16
Pause and Reflect
- How have you experienced the difference between strong emotion and the Spirit’s guidance in your life?
- Why do you think God asks us to “study it out” before seeking confirmation?
God Trusts Us to Choose
Some may wonder: If this decision is so important, shouldn’t God just tell me who to marry?
Elder Bruce R. McConkie addressed this directly in a devotional titled “Agency or Inspiration—Which?” He taught that for most of life’s decisions—including choosing a spouse—God expects us to use our agency, not wait passively for revelation:
“We make our own choices, and then we present the matter to the Lord and get his approving, ratifying seal… We don’t… say, ‘Lord, who should I marry?’ We… do our own investigating and our own analyzing and make our own decisions. Then we go to the Lord and in essence say, ‘I think that this is the person I should marry.’ Then we ask for confirmation.”
— Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “Agency or Inspiration—Which?” BYU Devotional, 1973
This aligns perfectly with the pattern in Doctrine and Covenants 9:7–8—we study it out, make a decision, then seek confirmation. The Lord declared:
“It is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant… men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will.”
— Doctrine and Covenants 58:26–27
This is liberating news. God trusts us. He has given us minds to think, hearts to feel, and the Light of Christ to discern. He does not expect us to wait helplessly for a voice from heaven. He expects us to act—to observe, to evaluate, to choose—and then to seek His confirmation.
This does not mean we are alone. The Spirit can guide our observations, prompt our questions, and give us peace or unease as we consider a relationship. But the decision is ours to make.
Elder McConkie also warned against the opposite error—making a decision based on emotion alone and calling it revelation.
In the temple sealing ordinance, we are asked if we marry our spouse “of our own free will and choice.” This reminds us that the Lord expects us to use our agency in making this sacred decision. While the choice is ours to make, we should also counsel with the Lord regarding our intended decision—studying it out, then seeking His confirmation.
“The choice must be ours—it is our right. But it must also be in accordance with the mind and will of the Lord.”
— Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “Agency or Inspiration—Which?” BYU Devotional, 1973
Wise discernment, then, is a partnership: we do the work of observing, thinking, and choosing; God provides guidance, confirmation, and peace. Neither replaces the other.
Think of wisdom and revelation as two eyes that together give us depth perception. Each eye sees a slightly different picture, but together they reveal the full dimension of what is before us. President Russell M. Nelson has taught that good information leads to good inspiration. The more clearly we see through careful observation, the more clearly the Spirit can speak to what we have learned.
The Doctrine of Christ Guides Our Discernment
Wise discernment draws on all the principles of the Doctrine of Christ—not just one. Consider how each contributes:
- Faith: Trusting God’s guidance and timing. Having faith that He wants our happiness and will help us see clearly. Also evaluating whether this person is someone we can trust.
- Repentance: Honest self-examination about our own motives, blind spots, and patterns. Are we seeing clearly, or are we making excuses? Repentance also means observing whether this person demonstrates the capacity to acknowledge mistakes and grow.
- Covenant: Evaluating whether this person understands the seriousness of covenant commitment. Are they reliable? Do they keep their word? Marriage is a covenant, and discernment helps us choose wisely whom we covenant with.
- The Holy Ghost: Seeking and recognizing spiritual confirmation. The Spirit can warn us of danger, confirm good choices, and provide peace. Cultivating sensitivity to the Spirit is essential to discernment.
- Enduring: Being patient with the process. Not rushing to commitment out of anxiety or pressure. Trusting that good decisions take time and that enduring through the process of discernment will be worth it.
Discernment is not about one principle—it is about the whole pattern working together.
Three Conversations Help Us Know Someone Deeply
As we get to know someone, three types of conversation help us understand who they are and whether we are compatible:
1. The History Conversation
Where have you been? This conversation explores their story—family background, past relationships, significant experiences, growth, and what they have learned. It helps us understand what shaped them.
2. The Values Conversation
What matters most to you? This conversation explores core values—faith, family, integrity, priorities. Where do they stand on things that really matter? Are your values aligned?
3. The Vision Conversation
Where are you going? This conversation explores dreams and direction—career, children, lifestyle, location, how they see the next ten years. Are you heading in the same direction?
These conversations do not happen all at once. They unfold naturally over time as trust builds. But they are essential. Without them, we are making a major life decision based on limited information.
Pause and Reflect
- Which of these three conversations would be easiest for you to have? Which would be hardest?
- What would you want someone to know about your history, values, and vision?
Key Scriptures
- Doctrine and Covenants 9:7–8 — Study it out, then ask
- Doctrine and Covenants 8:2–3 — Revelation to mind and heart
- Moroni 7:13–17 — How to discern good from evil
- Proverbs 3:5–6 — Trust in the Lord; acknowledge Him
- James 1:5 — If any lack wisdom, ask of God
Reflection Questions
Take time to ponder or write about the following:
- What character qualities are most important to you in a future spouse? Why?
- Have you ever ignored concerns about someone because of attraction? What did you learn?
- How do you distinguish between the Spirit’s guidance and your own emotions? What helps you discern?
- Who are the trusted people in your life whose counsel you would seek about a relationship?
Discussion Questions
For conversations with a parent, leader, or trusted friend:
- For those who are married: How did you evaluate whether your spouse was right for you? What did you look for? What do you wish you had known?
- How can we be both gracious toward others AND wise in protecting ourselves?
- What role should friends and family play in evaluating a relationship? How much weight should their observations carry?
This Week’s Invitation
Choose one of the following invitations to focus on this week:
Character Qualities List: Write a list of the five character qualities that matter most to you in a future spouse. For each, write why it matters and how you might observe it in someone.
Four F’s Reflection: Consider someone you know well (a friend or family member). Reflect on what you have observed in the Four F’s areas. How did you learn these things about them? What would you still want to know?
Revelation Practice: This week, practice the pattern of D&C 9:7–8 with a decision you are facing (not necessarily about relationships). Study it out, make a decision, then ask for confirmation. Pay attention to how the Spirit responds.
Trusted Counsel: Identify two or three people in your life whose wisdom you trust and who know you well. Consider having a conversation with one of them about what they would look for in a spouse for you.
Three Conversations Prep: Write out your own answers to the Three Conversations: Where have you been? What matters most to you? Where are you going? Knowing your own answers prepares you to share them with someone else.
The Bottom Line
Wise discernment is a gift from God—not a lack of faith. Using our minds alongside our hearts, observing character over time, seeking counsel from trusted people, and learning to distinguish revelation from emotion are all part of faithful stewardship of our future.
The spark matters—but it is not enough. Look for substance beneath the surface: character, values, consistency, and the capacity to grow.
Time is our friend. Use it wisely. A relationship that is right will only become clearer with time; one that is wrong will reveal itself if we are willing to see.
And through it all, trust that God is with us. He wants our happiness even more than we do. As we study, observe, pray, and listen, He will guide us toward the relationship that is right for us.
“Time is not the enemy of love—it is the friend of wisdom. A relationship that is right will only become clearer with time. Trust your eyes. Trust the Spirit. And counsel with God as you choose.”