PREPARATION • MODULE 4 OF 13

Know Thyself

Understanding Your Story

What do we bring to a relationship?

Self-Knowledge Prepares Us to Share Ourselves

In Phase 1, we established the foundation: the eternal why of marriage (Module 1), the how of the Doctrine of Christ and temple covenants (Module 2), and the who we are becoming through Christlike character (Module 3). We saw how Christ perfectly lived these principles and how all of them work together to transform us.

Now we begin Phase 2: Preparation. And preparation starts with self-knowledge.

We are children of God with infinite worth. That identity never changes—it is the foundation beneath everything else. But we are also people with unique stories: experiences that have shaped us, strengths we have developed, and places where we are still growing.

Self-awareness is not about finding what is wrong with us. It is about knowing ourselves so we can share ourselves.

When we understand our own story—including the joyful chapters and the difficult ones—we become better able to communicate who we are to another person. We become better able to recognize what we need, what we offer, and how we can grow together.

The Apostle Paul counseled:

“Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves.”
— 2 Corinthians 13:5

This examination is not meant to discourage. It is an act of faith—trusting that God already knows us fully and loves us completely, and inviting ourselves to that same understanding.

Pause and Reflect

How does it feel to think about “knowing yourself so you can share yourself” rather than “finding what’s wrong”?
What parts of your story are you most grateful for?

We Already Have Gifts to Offer

Before we explore the more challenging parts of self-awareness, let us begin with this truth: we already have gifts to offer.

We have been developing strengths our entire lives—through our families, our friendships, our challenges, our choices. Some of these strengths we recognize; others may be so natural to us that we do not even see them as special.

Consider:

Character traits we have developed: Are you patient? Loyal? Hardworking? Cheerful? Honest? Think of times these qualities have shown up in your life.
Relationship skills we have practiced: Have you learned to listen? To apologize? To encourage? To keep confidences? To show up for people?
Healthy patterns from our families: What did your family do well? What traditions, habits, or ways of relating do you want to carry forward?
Strengths forged through difficulty: Sometimes our hardest experiences develop our greatest capacities. What have you learned from challenges you have faced?
Unique gifts and talents: What do you enjoy? What are you good at? How might these bless a future family?

God sees all of this in us. The scriptures teach that He knows us perfectly—not just our struggles, but our potential:

“Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee.”
— Jeremiah 1:5

We are beloved children of God with real gifts to contribute to an eternal partnership.

Pause and Reflect

What are three strengths you know you bring to relationships? (If this is hard to answer, ask someone who knows you well.)
What is one healthy pattern or positive quality you learned from your family or upbringing?

Our Family Story Shapes How We Relate

For many of us, our earliest and most influential lessons about relationships came from watching our parents or caregivers. Their marriage—or its absence—often became our first textbook on love. The patterns we observed can shape us in ways we may not fully recognize.

This is not about judging our families or finding fault. Every family has strengths and struggles. The goal is simply to understand—to see clearly what was modeled so we can make intentional choices about what we carry forward.

Consider these areas:

Conflict: How did your family handle disagreements? Was there calm discussion, avoidance, or escalation? Did you see repair after conflict?
Affection: Was affection expressed openly—through words, touch, or time together? Or was love shown in quieter, less visible ways?
Communication: Were feelings discussed openly? Were hard truths addressed or avoided?
Roles: How were responsibilities shared? How were decisions made?
Faith: What role did spirituality play in your home? How was faith lived day to day?

Our answers reveal patterns—some we may want to continue, others we may want to do differently. Both are valuable insights.

Awareness Creates the Power to Choose

Research shows that relationship patterns often travel through families. But here is the hopeful truth: awareness creates choice. When we can see a pattern, we can choose whether to continue it.

Some questions to consider:

What did my family do well that I want to carry into my own relationships?
What patterns might I choose to do differently?
What was never modeled that I may need to learn intentionally?

This reflection is not about blaming anyone. Most parents did the best they could with what they knew and experienced. Understanding our family story is simply about taking ownership of our own future.

Pause and Reflect

What is one pattern from your family that you are grateful for and want to continue?
Is there something you might choose to do differently? What would that look like?

Our Attachment Patterns Influence How We Connect

Psychologists have observed that our earliest relationships with caregivers often shape how we connect with others throughout life. These patterns are called “attachment styles.”

Understanding our attachment style is not about labeling ourselves or finding a flaw. It is about recognizing patterns so we can work with them—and grow beyond them when needed.

There are four main attachment styles:

Style	What It Looks Like
Secure	Comfortable with closeness and independence. Trusts others and feels worthy of love. Can give and receive support. Handles conflict constructively.
Anxious	Deeply values closeness but may worry about losing it. May seek reassurance or feel very attuned to a partner’s moods. Often brings warmth and emotional investment to relationships.
Avoidant	Values independence and self-sufficiency. May feel uncomfortable with too much closeness or emotional intensity. Often brings stability and calm to relationships.
Disorganized	May experience mixed feelings about closeness—both wanting it and fearing it. Often develops in response to difficult early experiences. With awareness and support, can develop greater security.

Most attachment styles develop in early childhood based on how caregivers responded to our needs. While each style brings certain strengths—anxious attachers often bring emotional depth; avoidant attachers often bring steadiness—research shows that secure attachment is associated with higher relationship satisfaction and lower risk of divorce. The encouraging news? Attachment is not destiny. With awareness, effort, and supportive relationships, we can move toward greater security.

Attachment Styles Can Change and Grow

Here is the hopeful truth: attachment styles can change.

Researchers call this “earned security.” People who did not experience secure attachment in childhood can develop it in adulthood through:

Healthy relationships with friends, mentors, or a spouse
Therapy or counseling
Self-awareness and intentional practice
Spiritual growth and reliance on the Savior

Our attachment style is a starting point, not a destiny. With effort and grace, we can grow toward greater security—becoming more comfortable with both closeness and independence, more trusting and trustworthy, better at giving and receiving love.

Our Experiences Shape Us but Do Not Define Us

Each of us carries experiences that have shaped who we are. Some of those experiences brought joy and strength. Others may have brought pain, loss, or difficulty.

Difficult experiences can include many things: loss of a loved one, parents’ divorce, betrayal by someone we trusted, struggles with mental health, experiences of abuse or neglect, or simply growing up in a home where certain needs were not met.

These experiences are part of our story. They may have created sensitivities, fears, or patterns that affect how we relate to others. This is normal and human.

The beautiful truth is that healing is possible. With awareness, with support from others, and with the Savior’s grace, we can grow beyond the limitations of our past. We can become more than what happened to us.

“He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.”
— Psalm 147:3

If we carry difficult experiences, please know: they are part of our story, but they are not the whole story. God sees our full potential, and He is in the business of healing and transformation.

Pause and Reflect

How have your experiences—both joyful and difficult—shaped who you are today?
What does it mean to you that “healing is possible”? What might that look like in your life?

The Doctrine of Christ Supports Our Self-Discovery

The work of self-awareness is deeply connected to the principles we explored in Modules 2 and 3. All five elements of the Doctrine of Christ support this sacred work of knowing ourselves:

Faith: Trusting that God already knows us fully and loves us completely. Faith gives us the courage to look honestly at ourselves, knowing that what we find does not diminish our worth.
Repentance: The heart of repentance is honest self-examination and willingness to change. As we look at our patterns—including those we may want to do differently—we are engaging in the very process repentance invites.
Covenant: Understanding ourselves prepares us to make and keep covenants with integrity. We cannot give ourselves fully to another until we know what we are offering.
The Holy Ghost: The Spirit can guide our self-reflection, revealing truths about ourselves that we might not otherwise see. He also comforts us as we face difficult parts of our story.
Enduring: Growth is a lifetime process. We do not need to have it all figured out today. Enduring means continuing the work of self-awareness and growth throughout our lives.

And temple covenants deepen this work. The law of sacrifice invites us to give up old patterns that no longer serve us. The law of consecration calls us to dedicate our whole selves—including the parts we would rather hide—to God’s purposes.

Marriage Invites Us to Grow

The scriptures teach that we are all in a process of becoming:

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love.”
— Mosiah 3:19

This is not meant to make us feel bad about ourselves. It is an invitation—a recognition that all of us have growing to do, and that God provides the way.

Marriage will invite us to grow. It will surface our selfishness, our defensiveness, our impatience—because marriage asks us to consider another person’s needs alongside our own, day after day. This is not a flaw in marriage; it is part of the design. Marriage is meant to refine us.

Self-awareness helps us enter that refining process with honesty and humility. We do not have to be perfect. We simply need to be willing to grow.

We Can Take Ownership of Our Story

This module has invited us to explore our family story, our attachment patterns, our sensitive areas, and our experiences. This can feel vulnerable.

Remember: this is not about blame. It is not about finding fault with our parents or anyone else. Most people do the best they can with what they have.

The purpose of self-awareness is ownership—not of what was done to us, but of what we will do with our story going forward. We are agents. We can choose.

“Because they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon… Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh… And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men.” — 2 Nephi 2:26-27

We get to decide what patterns we continue. We get to decide what we want to change. We get to decide what kind of partner we will become.

That is the gift of agency—and it is a reason for hope.

Pause and Reflect

What does it mean to “take ownership” of your story—not blaming, but choosing what comes next?
What is one area of your life where you feel ready to grow or choose a new direction?

Key Scriptures

Jeremiah 1:5 — God knew you before you were born
2 Corinthians 13:5 — “Examine yourselves”
Ether 12:27 — Grace makes weak things strong
Psalm 147:3 — He heals the brokenhearted
Mosiah 3:19 — Becoming through the Atonement
Doctrine and Covenants 58:27 — Anxiously engaged, acting in agency

Reflection Questions

Take time to ponder or write about the following:

What are your greatest strengths when it comes to relationships? What do you bring that will bless a future family?
What patterns from your family do you want to continue? What might you choose to do differently?
Which attachment style sounds most familiar to you? What strengths does that style bring? Where might you want to grow?
How have your experiences—both joyful and difficult—shaped who you are becoming?
How might the Doctrine of Christ principles (faith, repentance, covenant, Holy Ghost, enduring) support your ongoing self-awareness and growth?

Discussion Questions

For conversations with a parent, leader, or trusted friend:

Why is self-awareness important in preparing for marriage? How can it help rather than discourage?
For those who are married: What strengths did you bring to your marriage? What patterns did you have to grow through? How did you support each other in that growth?
How do we balance honest self-awareness with remembering our divine worth and potential?

This Week’s Invitation

Choose one of the following invitations to focus on this week:

Strengths Inventory: Ask two or three people who know you well: “What do you see as my strengths in relationships?” Write down what they share. Notice how it feels to hear these reflected back to you.

Family Patterns Reflection: Write about what your family did well and what you might choose to do differently. Focus on understanding, not judging.

Attachment Exploration: Research attachment styles further (many free resources are available online). Identify your style and write about both its strengths and areas where you might want to grow.

Gratitude for Your Story: Write about three experiences—including at least one difficult one—that have shaped you for the better. How have these experiences developed strengths you now carry?

Conversation with a Parent: If appropriate, have a conversation with a parent about their marriage or family of origin. Ask what they learned, what they would keep, and what they might do differently. Listen with curiosity and gratitude.

The Bottom Line

We are beloved children of God with infinite worth. That truth comes first and remains unchanged.

We are also people with unique stories—strengths we have developed, experiences that have shaped us, and places where we are still growing. Self-awareness means knowing ourselves so we can share ourselves with another person.

Our family story has given us gifts worth keeping and patterns we may choose to change. Our attachment style brings strengths even as it suggests areas for growth. Our experiences are reminders that we are human—and that healing is possible.

Most importantly: our past does not determine our future. Through the grace of Jesus Christ, through loving relationships, and through our own choices, we can grow into the people we are meant to become.

We have a story worth knowing—and a future worth building.

And that training has already begun.

“Self-awareness shows us where we are. Christ shows us who we can become. Through Christ, our wounds can heal, our patterns can change, and we can become more than our past.”